Jennifer Mackey Mary: In 1789 United States Founding Father Ben Franklin wrote in a letter quote “in this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes”. End quote. Now, he wasn’t the first person to share that idea, and he was talking about the durability of the US Constitution, and not his wardrobe, but there’s an important lesson to be learned here, and that is, change is inevitable. And as women, don’t we know it. Body changes, trend changes, lifestyle changes.. These upheavals can wreak havoc on your closet, your style, and your psyche. So this season, we’re talking about how to navigate all kinds of changes so that three things can be certain–death, taxes, and great style. Let’s get started

Welcome to the Everyday Style School, the show that teaches you everything your mom never did about getting dressed.  I’m your host, Jennifer Mackey Mary. After 25 years of dressing women with real bodies, real budgets, and real lives, I know great style isn’t about following one-size-fits-all advice – it’s about learning what works for you.

Hello Gorgeous!

I hope you enjoyed the Fall Trends episode that came out a couple of weeks ago–those are always fun to put together, because it’s really the first look at what’s new and different for the season, and while this is our first official episode of the fall semester, the trend episode fits in well with this season’s theme, which is, of course, stylishly navigating all of life’s changes.

Real quick, let’s hop into the way back machine, and talk about where the idea for this season came from. Early this year–I think it was January or February–it was still freezing outside–my husband and I found ourselves in our closet at the same time getting dressed, which never happens. We both work from home, so we’re not on the same morning schedule, and it’s a good thing, because our closet is this long galley style thing, and it’s not roomy enough for two people to be in there comfortably, especially when one of them has severe claustrophobia. That’s me, by the way. Anyway, there we were, getting dressed, me trying to play it cool and not to have a panic attack because the walls were closing in on me, and he pulled out a sweater that gave me this Matrix style movie flashback. I bought that sweater for him the year we got married, which was 2004. For the math challenged among us, that’s 22 years ago. 22 years. He was like, oh, I forgot about this. He put it on, and it still fit, and as he stood there in his chinos and cashmere crewneck, I had a memory of him wearing the same outfit on a date 22 years ago–chinos and that cashmere crewneck–it was a trip. It’s like I traveled back in time. Now, is he the exact same guy I married? No, we’ve lived a lot of life together–had kids, moved across the country, lost family members, sent a kid to college, but as I looked at him in the same sweater he wore 22 years ago, I felt like I’ve lived 5 lifetimes since then.

When we met, I was a corporate girlie, getting dressed up each day, and going out a few nights a week. Later I became a stay-at-home mom, and my wardrobe (and body) were very different. After another baby, and more body changes, I started a business, and had to start getting dressed again. I needed a wardrobe of things to see clients in, and things to wear on stage for speaking engagements. Then we moved, and my business went completely online, and I found myself not needing the same kind of wardrobe. I needed to feel put together while not going anywhere. Perimenopause hit and my shape shifted AGAIN. Not to mention all the trips up and down the scale I’ve taken in the last 22 years. Since we met, my body changed, my style changed, my lifestyle changed, the trends changed…all of it. Multiple times. Not a single sweater survived.

It made me think about all of the changes we navigate as women, and how difficult dressing through those changes can be. But also—how your wardrobe can make seasons of change easier—or more difficult. That was when I knew this had to be something we dug into for a semester.

Now, it is an oversimplification to say that women have all these changes, and men just stay the same–that’s not at all what I’m saying, but I feel comfortable saying we have probably have MORE…and while the chinos my husband wears today are different than those he wore when we first met, I haven’t seen the man choose an outfit because of hotflashes, or what’s comfortable on his c-section belly, or wondering if ballet flats were passe, and then wondering if they were back in. I know he saw my postpartum wardrobe meltdowns when I literally had nothing to wear, or my struggles when my clothes were too big to look good, or too small to feel good. And to be honest, I can’t recall a single meltdown he’s had about jeans. Maybe he just holds it in…its totally possible.

The point is, women change a lot. Our needs change a lot. Our wardrobes change a lot. And every change can feel like you’re starting over, wardrobe wise–and that can be, a lot.

So this season, we’re doing a deep dive into some of the biggest changes we go through, taking on a different one each episode, because while there are some similarities between them, each change brings unique challenges, and they require different strategies to solve. Some evolutions are very practical, and some are mostly mental. Some are good, and welcomed, and sought after…and some have been forced upon us. This season, I’m going to share a lot stories of the clients I’ve worked with who have dealt with these things, because I know you see yourselves in them and it’s easier to connect the ideas when it’s not just abstract—and also to remind you that you’re not alone. And I’ll share my personal stories of change, because lord knows, I’ve experienced them all.

I really want to encourage you to listen to every episode, even if it’s not a situation you’re currently dealing with. Maybe your lifestyle isn’t changing today, but you never know what’s around the bend, and having the knowledge of what to do when change appears is half the battle. You’ll be better prepared, and you won’t be thrown for as big of a loop.  Also, there will be nuggets of advice in each episode that apply to everyone, and I want you to catch them all. So don’t skip one because you think, getting older? Never. She’s not talking about me. Cool. Come find me in 15 years, and let me know how that’s working out for you. I can’t wait to hear it.

So that’s how this semester of the Everyday Style School will go down. Today though, I just want to talk about change in general, and the mindset around it. Because how you think about change 100% determines your ability to navigate it well. And if you’re like, “ugh, mindset. Shut up woman, just tell me what to wear”, I need you to hear this.

When it comes to style, what’s in your mind matters WAY more than what’s in your closet, and there is nothing you can buy that will overcome what you think. Nothing. I see this all the time–women really struggling with style, thinking the problem is what they’re buying, and if they just buy more, or buy better, the problem will go away. But often they have a mental block that keeps them from buying, or even wearing things that will actually solve the problem. Here’s an example I see in the community–we have a lot of women whose lifestyles have changed, and they find themselves working from home, falling into the “what I wear doesn’t matter because I’m not seeing anyone” trap. They join the Style Circle because they’re feeling frumpy and dumpy and want to feel better. Cool, that’s what we do.

I tell them to upgrade the things they’re already wearing-that’s what the last episode of the spring semester was about–if you haven’t listened to it, you really should check it out–it’s one of the most popular episodes I’ve ever done-we’ll link it in the shownoes. Anyway, that’s what they do–they go buy cute, polished, put together athleisure that is totally appropriate for working from home, and would NOT make them feel like a hot mess working in pjs. And then you know what happens? They don’t wear the nice things they bought. They continue to wear the clothes that make them feel bad. And this is a story I’ve heard more than a handful of times. And when I say, why don’t you wear those things, they tell me– I don’t know, they just they feel too nice.

Uh, too nice for what? They’re sweatpants not a business suit. They’re even saving their sweatpants for an occasion where it matters. Do you honestly think that’s a wardrobe problem? Obviously not–they have the right wardrobe. They just won’t put it on their bodies, because they still believe that style requires a special occasion. It’s a belief. Since we rolled out our mindset class, and have had our members starting there, I have heard time and time again, that it’s the most transformative class we offer. And every woman who’s said that, joined the Style Circle because she thought she had a wardrobe problem.

Let me say it again–what’s in your mind matters more than what’s in your closet, and there’s nothing you can buy that will overcome what you think. I know you want to get to the good stuff, but my friend, this IS the good stuff.

So let’s talk about the mental part of change in general–this is something that will come up again this season, but let’s just talk about how we think about change, as it applies to our closets for a minute, starting with WHY it’s hard.

First, I think we need to acknowledge how much emotional attachment most women have to their wardrobes. I read an article about this years ago, talking about how the memories women associate with clothes is off the charts compared to how men think about clothes, and this is something I used to love about doing in-person closet edits. Without fail, my clients would tell me the story of pretty much every piece they owned–where they got it, when they got it, where they wore it, how much they paid for it. Its amazing how much we remember about each piece, and sometimes those memories go deep. In general, I’m not someone who attaches a lot of meaning to clothes–my wedding dress is in a space bag–I never even got it drycleaned, and my girls used to play dress up with it. , but I can still tell you almost all of those things about every piece in my wardrobe. Try it when you’re getting dressed this week, see what you can recall about that t-shirt. It’s a little freaky.

We’re going to come back to this idea in a little bit, but for now I just want to acknowledge that the connection, and the attachement is real. You’re not weird or overly sentimental–it’s a normal, if not totally helpful thing. But what we’re really talking about here isn’t the clothes themselves, it’s what they represent.

Over the years, I’ve had lots of women tell me stories of why they’re hanging on to things that no longer serve them, and they give me really practical reasons–I might go back to work. I’m planning on losing the baby weight, and my favorite–everything comes back in style eventually. This is all some form of, I don’t want to get rid of anything I might need later.

And I think my women really believed those things, but I discovered that the unwillingness to let go usually comes down to a couple of things:

A big reason is guilt, especially around money. getting rid of money spent feels like money wasted. Even if it no longer serves you, even if you can’t wear it, even if you don’t want to wear it..hanging on to it feels like you still have the money in your bank account–like it only disappears when you let it go.

But also, our clothes are a tangible symbol of an old identity. Its Hanging on to office wear, when you no longer work in an office–because you used to feel like a woman who had it all together and was going places. Keeping jeans you can’t get past your hips, or clothes that are so dated you wouldn’t actually wear them–because you used to be a person who did wear those things, or you were a person who could wear those things.

So, while we tell ourselves we’re holding on to things for purely practical reasons, often what we’re holding onto is the hope that our body or our life will go back to some earlier time.

And this really matters because often with change, even good change, there can be a sense of grief and loss–and mourning what was. Like, do I want to go back to being a single corporate girlie? No, absolutely not. I love being a wife and a mom more than anything. I love being a business owner. I wouldn’t trade this life for anything. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the person I was back then a little bit. I miss the energy of working around people every day. I miss happy hours with friends, still dressed up from work. I miss not thinking about things like tuition payments and lawn care.  But simply owning the pants I wore back then—even though they probably wouldn’t fit and definitely aren’t in style—won’t bring back 28 year old fun Jen. She’s gone.

And that’s with good, welcome change. Navigating a change of career clothes after a career change you didn’t ask for is a whole other story. Dealing with a body that’s changing in a way you’re NOT happy about will really mess with your mind. In those times, the desire to hold on is incredibly strong and hard to overcome.

The last reason change is hard on your style—or at least the last one I want to talk about today—is that those practical reasons I just told you were mostly a smokescreen for the deeper emotional stuff? Well, sometimes, they’re not. Sometimes they’re completely legit. What if you DO need those office clothes again? What if you CAN fit back into those jeans again? It would be really easy if change was permanent, but often it’s not. That’s kind of the point of change. But if you could rely on the fact that if once your clothes didn’t fit, they’d never fit again, you’d know what to do. If you never parted with a pair of shoes only to see them in every store a few years later, you wouldn’t worry about saying goodbye. The hard part is knowing if your reasons are legitimate—and you’re hanging onto clothes, or if you’re hanging on to an identity.  It’s not always easy to spot the difference, but its something we’ll talk about in individual episodes this season.

I want to wrap up with 3 mindset shifts that will help make any change easier to go through, wardrobe wise.

First, start to reframe what clothes are, and what they’re supposed to do. Like we already established, the the connection women have to their clothing is really strong. But..When it comes to change, I think lessening the emotional attachement you have to fabric is incredibly important. When a dress is a tangible symbol of all of your hopes and dreams, and body aspriations, and positive memories, yeah, it’s going to be hard to let go. When it’s just fabric that served you for a time, but no longer does, it’s easier to separate from.

Your clothes have a job and that job is to get you dressed easily in a way that makes you feel good. That’s it. If my clothes aren’t doing their job, they get fired from my closet. If clothes are hanging in my closet, making me feel bad about myself, making me work harder to get dressed each day, they’re not serving me. Your clothes should serve you, not the other way around. If you look at your favorite outfit, and think “don’t worry, little buddy, I’ll wear you again. I’ll get the right job, or work out more, or turn back time so I can wear you”, you’re serving the clothes. That’s kind of wild when you think about it like that. You’re serving something you bought on clearance at TJMaxx. Like why?

The second mindset shift is understanding what your wardrobe is. You might have heard me say this before, but your wardrobe is not all the clothes you own. Your wardrobe is all the clothes you can, and do, wear. Over the years, I’ve worked with a lot of women who were overwhelmed by their wardrobes—or at least they thought they were—but when we really got into it, and discovered they couldn’t wear most of it because the clothes didn’t fit, or were out of style, or didn’t fit their lifestyle, all of a sudden they realized they didn’t have much of a wardrobe at all. What they had was a legitimate clothing problem.  Even in the best and easiest of times, I think it’s important to understand what you’re working with. But when you’re navigating change, it’s mandatory.

Change is hard enough without struggling to get dressed each day. Your wardrobe can either support you by making it easy to get dressed and feel good during these seasons of transition, which in turn makes you feel put together and in control–or at the very least, doesn’t add to the stress, which is huge. On the other hand your wardrobe, or lack of a wardrobe can add to the stress. When your body is changing–for better or worse–and you open your closet and there’s nothing in there you can wear, there’s nothing that makes you feel good, what do you think that does to your psyche? How do you think that starts your day?

Starting to think about your wardrobe as a tool to help you navigate the changes instead of just fighting them can be really powerful.

The third shift that will make things easier is simply simply giving yourself permission to change–and that goes for both your life, and your closet. Over the years I’ve seen women hang on to a lot of things, simply because they have them. Or because they liked them  when they bought them. And maybe that’s part of the memory thing, but I remember one client who would not get rid of anything, and it wasn’t–oh, I wore that dress when I started teaching 25 years ago. It was, Oh, I can’t get rid of that, it was my favorite. Yeah, so? Favorites are allowed to change. When Capri Suns came out, I thought that was the best beverage ever created. It was my favorite. But then I discovered Diet Coke. And then wine. I grew up, and my tastes changed. You’re allowed to evolve. You should evolve. From your drinks to your denim. 
 
 Change is proof that you’re living an actual life, not a static one–and the alternative to change is staying stuck and frozen in time. I don’t think that’s a great thing for your closet, or your life. So just start by giving yourself permission to change, and to let go of things to make room, literally and figuratively, for things that work for the person you are right now, and the person you’re going to be next.

Your homework for this episode is simply to recognize things that are in your closet that no longer serve you, or are no longer a part of your wardrobe–meaning you can, and do, wear them. Start to think about why you still have them. You don’t have to get rid of them, you don’t have to make difficult decisions yet, but if you give yourself those practical reasons I talked about earlier, check in with yourself and ask if there might be a deeper reason. Not saying there is, but it’s worth asking the question. Just being able to recognize the things that aren’t serving you anymore is huge, and you’ll start to look at your closet in a whole new way.

That’s it for this episode of the Everyday Style School. Thank you for spending time with me today. If you’re ready to build an effortlessly stylish wardrobe for the person you are right now, come take my free workshop, where I’ll teach you how to make Style simple. We’ve got a workshop coming up soon, so head to youreverydaystyle.com/simple or just click the link in the shownotes.

I’ll see you next time–and until then remember, your everyday matters, so get dressed for it!